Episode Transcript
[00:00:11] Speaker A: Hey, Good morning, everyone. Happy Saturday. Welcome to the Senior Care Conversation. I am your host, Hilary Bailey, and I'm really excited about today because we are going to dive into one of the most tender and universal parts of life, grief, especially as we age.
Our guest today is Dr. Jesse Hansen. He is a clinical psychologist and trauma reprocessing expert with over 25 years of experience.
His work bridges modern neuropsychology and ancient healing traditions, helping people reconnect their mind, body and spirit. He's worked around the world from Canada to Costa Rica, helping individuals heal deeply rooted emotional pain through both science and sacred wisdom. Dr. Hanson, thank you so much and welcome to the show.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: Thank you, Hilary. I'm honored to be here. And Jesse is more than okay for the show. Thank you.
[00:01:02] Speaker A: Okay, excellent.
So the topic of this discussion is going to be how in the senior years, grief can become layered. You know, they lose their loved ones, their independence, or sometimes even their identity. And the challenge is learning to live with grief and the companion sometimes rather than an enemy. So, so let's just dive right into this. So let's talk about why is grief especially intense in later life when losses seem to keep accumulating over and over?
[00:01:31] Speaker B: I feel like you almost answered your question. In your question, it's that there's been more years of loss. And inevitably, even the biological process of aging starts to feel a loss. I call this part of self or consciousness the shepherd. If you think of that, we've all got different, many parts of who we are.
And as we're, let's say, in our 70s or 80s, that's a lot of decades to have lived. And there's a lot of different versions of us from. You may be more intense of a father or mother role at a certain time, but now that's also past and younger years. And so if we think of it that way, it's having compassion for the elderly because they've carried through so many decades and so many different versions of things. Not only that maybe they suffered loss along the way, but as we get older, there is just so much more letting go required. And so grief builds up. And I think we'll get deeper into this when in a few moments. But to know it also, it's not just mental, it's actually neurological, neuromuscular, the way that it has an impact on the physiology as well. So it's a big one. But I think you answered it. It's just there's been more time has passed, there's been more loss. So it feels even heavier and so.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: For you and your practice, what have you learned about how someone can process grief without being stuck there forever? I've heard people say, you know, grief comes and goes.
And I find that, I find that to be true. So how can they, you know, not get stuck in that.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: Beautiful, beautiful inquiry? I say, you know, as I think about it, it's not even just with elderly, but at any stage of life and learning to grieve properly. It's so much like, oh, are you grieving too long? Have you been? Is it come and go? And what I will humbly say is 25 years in the field is that there really is not a one way that's right or wrong to grieve. What I would say, or some of what I could offer is maybe guidelines, bumpers of sorts to say, be careful. You named it. Well, there in your question of to not get stuck there, that's probably the most common is that grief is sort of a tough depressive or brings us down in our. The way we're thinking, even often the way we're sitting. And so it can, it can be hard to come back up from that. And so that's one piece is just to hopefully have loved ones support some accountability sources to say, like, hey, okay, you've had. And again, I'm not here to be an authority and say two days, three days a month. It's. I do feel like waves. It's more of learning how to ride those waves of grief.
And the thing that I'd say is consistent across all age generations is that there's actually an art form to more embodied grieving.
And can I deepen on that? What is the embodied grieving?
[00:04:25] Speaker A: I would love for you to elaborate.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think a lot of times there's people laying and thinking, sadly, to name some of the collective shadow. I also have worked in the addiction population intervention TV show. And sadly to admit it, grief is often the onset of alcoholism or other depressants that sort of amplify or help solidify the pain of the grief.
And so if you look at that as well, like, that's obviously a huge. The impact on what we decide to put into our bodies when we are in too much grief or too much sadness.
And so what I mean by embodied grief is basically, rather than just thinking the thoughts is often. It's often crying. You know, that's the most common expression. But it doesn't have to be crying it for someone else. It might be an art, a piece of art that gets painted. It might be a certain Movement practice that people have. But it's starting to realize that grief is not just, excuse me, not just a mental phenomenon, it is a neurological neuromuscular phenomenon. And in the clinical language we call it sequencing. Sequencing is the consciousness use of this science to say, okay, hey, this is an emotion that maybe I've held back, I need to let that come.
And as it goes through that emotion is energy in motion. The key being motion. Feelings are electromagnetic energy, they are there in the quantum field, they impact us, but they are, they're not emotion. You can feel a lot without showing it. And so it's for most people and I admit as a middle aged man I was brought up to, just as every other man is conditioned be more emotionless and hold it all together.
And it's taken 45, 46 years now to learn actually that's not the healthiest thing, both from science, spirituality and psychology. And so I think that's one of my biggest wishes I have for anyone that's listening is that begin to experience or explore embodied grieving and the beauty. And the last thing I'll say on this quickly, Larry, is that there's the biggest payout because there's the biggest investment of vulnerability and sort of risking the feeling, risking the emotion.
And people tend to then not have to grieve as long or as intensely.
[00:06:53] Speaker A: Wow, I love that. I am so into the whole holistic stuff that you're talking about that I'm just, I'm an essential oil kind of lady. So I love all of this that you're bringing to the table. It is, it is my jam as well.
So I know for me, sometimes not everyone knows what to say or do to help someone who has lost someone.
It can be awkward because you don't know what to say or you don't want it to upset them.
So how can caregivers or family members or even friends like me walk beside someone and try to comfort them during their grief?
[00:07:34] Speaker B: Thank you for opening up that this is, you know, you're open to all of this more integrative medicine, integration of, you know, for me it's about modern science meeting ancient wisdom. So much of the ancient wisdom can now be explained through modern neuroscience and quantum physics. And so it's an exciting time to, to be alive. We've never had this level of understanding and what, what can often be misunderstood or not understood. And so, you know, I'd love to continue to integrate that, that intelligence as we converse to, to answer you more directly is to say, you know what I would Offer is that it seems so simple, but it's actually. In neuroscience, one of the main things we see that helps the brain become. Have more neuroplasticity, become neuroplastic is the ability to feel seen and heard.
And like I said, it's strange, but we can actually quantify that now with EKGs, EEGs, different devices that are out there now. But to see there's something human about us, that when we are simply seen and heard and in the therapeutic space, we would call it sort of holding space or just acknowledging, wow, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm here with you.
Encouraging, sort of say, like, talk it out, express it out, let it come. You know, let what's there be there. That's often what's really needed. And it's difficult because a lot of us want to have answer the fix the solution, make it go away right away.
And ironically, it's those behaviors, often called enabling or caretaking, that actually keep the person in the grief longer or, you know, kind of help. Help suppress it.
And so I think just being there and being kind and encouraging them to feel it, and then assuming they do that in some form, you know, also being there for a love, as a loved one, for them to say, great, cry out last night.
Let's go to the fair today and get some fresh organic apples and whatever. You know what I mean? Encourage, encourage them something fresh soon after.
And. And that's the other side of grief is that, you know, it's learning to come back into.
Excuse me. It's learning to come back into our aliveness. You know, we're grieving because we lost something we love.
And yet by remembering and letting that. Letting that grief happen, letting that form of love happen, we can sort of reboot or remember. Oh, yeah, and this is something that would be beautiful. Or maybe this. This thing or this person I've lost, I can gain some sense of that by getting out and walking in nature. Or, you know, there's tons of examples, right?
[00:10:21] Speaker A: Yeah. I got some really good advice from a therapist I was seeing one time, you know, and she told me, you know, it was astounding to me. She said, you know, if you're comforting someone, she said, and you tap them if they're upset, and you tap them, you're kind of giving them the cue like, okay, that's good. You know, you can stop that now. But if you just lay your hand on them, just be quiet.
That is such a bigger symbol of like, I am here for you. I'm just gonna be here with you while you process these emotions. And that has helped me so much, especially in my work working with elderly because sometimes they just need to get stuff out too. So just a hand on their back and just sitting there with them like, hey, I hear you. I hear what you're going through. I'm here to help you. So such you guys have amazing advice for us people out here in the world. So.
All right, guys. So coming up next, we are gonna explore a hidden emotional weight that many seniors and caregivers carry. The quiet burden of guilt. We're gonna be right back.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice and stories that matter to every generation.
And we're back. I'm Hilary Bailey and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Tele.
Want more of what you're watching? Stay connected to the Senior Care Conversation and every NOW Media TV favorite live or on demand, anytime you like. Download the free Now Media TV app on Roku or iOS and unlock nonstop bilingual programming in English and Spanish. You can also catch the podcast version right from our website at www.nowmedia.tv. from business and wellness to lifestyle and culture, Now Media TV is streaming around the clock. Ready whenever you are.
Alright guys, welcome back. I hope you're still here with us. I am still here with Dr. Jesse Hansen and we are talking about one of the quietest emotional challenges in senior care and that is guilt. Whether it's guilt for needing help or guilt for not doing enough, this feeling can weigh heavy on both seniors and caregivers.
So Dr. Hansen, we are going to. Excuse me, Jesse. We are going to, we're going to pop right back into this.
So let's talk about why does guilt show up so often in senior care and family relationships?
[00:12:48] Speaker B: As you were introducing this, I was remembering our last section on, you know, another very heavy emotion, the grief. And so it's, yeah, it's, there's a lot of overlay. As I was thinking about it as we were getting loaded here just to say is I feel like there's a lot of the same answer there, that there's been more years to accumulate things that we maybe regret or wish we had done differently. And then as a caregiver, it's because I feel like there is such a level of wanting to care for this person and seeing them getting older, getting older, getting less functionings happening.
There's more and more that sense of gosh, I wish I could help. And I feel helpless. I feel like I can't do what I Wish I could do.
And that can also start to feel like very heavy guilt.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: Right. So how can someone separate caring well from trying to be perfect at caring for someone.
[00:13:45] Speaker B: Again? I don't think there's any perfect black and white book or model out there that says just do this. I feel like it's a process of attunement, meaning the ability to be able to communicate and attune or recognize, wow, in this moment I'm giving too much because I feel so exhausted, so drained, even maybe a little bit resentful. That's sort of a clue. If I can attune to myself that I then have to trust. Okay. Even though I wish I could do more and some parts of me think I should, my body is telling me that this is my limit and having to then trust. And this is where for those of us that will allow some levels of faith, and it doesn't have to be in any particular religion or deity per se, though it can be, is that level of faith of trusting. If we are all interconnected and especially if this is a family member or a loved one, even more so we are interconnected in that way.
We have to balance out everyone's needs, capacities, abilities, and also sort of practicing surrendering to the one thing that none of us can escape.
Dying, Death. Right.
[00:15:03] Speaker A: I think what I've seen is, you know, the family dynamic has changed so much over the years. You know, there's no more nuclear family. You know, I remember I've told the story a couple times on my show. But you know, my grandmother was passing away. You know, we didn't have caregivers. It was, my dad was there, my, my aunts were there and it was just like they just all took turns and we cared for our own. And I feel like that's changed so much. I don't think families are living in the same places anymore. I think that, you know, as kids we get up and, you know, we grow up, excuse me, and we move away. We're having kids later in life. So when our parents are aging, you know, now we're in that sandwich generation. So we've got kids we're trying to raise, we've got parents that are getting older, we've got jobs that, you know, because it's really hard for somebody to be a one income family. So I just think we've lost that nuclear family. And I think that's made it a lot harder. And I think that's sometimes where a lot of the guilt comes from, you know, because I know for me, I Want to take care of my, I want to take care of my parents. It's something that I want to do. But I also know that I'm going to have to know what my limits are and you know, how I can care for myself and how I can care for them.
So what are some daily practices that can maybe and help people maybe forgive themselves for feeling like you're not doing what they can do or not doing more? What can they do to basically for self care, care for themselves, care for their mind, body and spirit?
[00:16:31] Speaker B: Right? Yeah, Great question.
So first thing that comes to me is a spin off of my last answer, which is just to over highlight the communication piece.
A lot of times I call this in communication training is to realize, okay, I have a story running right now, I have a story running in my mind that I'm not doing enough and I'm a bad person for that. And instead of just accept that story as truth, communicate it. Assuming that the loved one who you are having the guilt over is still coherent and can have sound conversations, let them know, hey, this is my story.
And you'd be surprised. Oftentimes the other person's like, oh no, actually like I feel like you're here for me, great. Or you know, yeah, I can let you know if I need more, but it's okay. And you know, so sometimes it's as simple as that. I'd say that's almost the most direct, kind of cleanest way to really make sure is this guilt even necessary? And if the person is, is actually feeling like you're not there for them or they need more, then it becomes a deeper communication, like you said of knowing where my own boundaries are, especially to your point of the dissolution of the nuclear family and even nuclear cities anymore that, you know, families are being all over the place.
I, I understand that too. I can relate to that as well. And so it's to say that, you know, especially with that variable, having to have compassion for everyone, is it really that the person who lives over here should just completely surrender the life they've built and come and, and be here? I mean, I'm not the one to say yes or no to that, but you can see where there's a legit question and opposed to make those drastic decisions that can often be too driven by guilt is to say, let's have this communication and find out where people's boundaries are, where what the person's needs really are. And you know, having to basically some levels of delegation but like letting local people support in certain ways and then letting the family members come in. But if you can see, it's that same idea of attunement and being able to kind of attune to that change is the only constant. And so there's often not just one fixed way that works every time. It's to notice, wow, at this stage of, you know, the moving through the aging process, there's more support needed. So we need to readjust the agreements as to how often I visit or how often the caretaker's there, you know, things like that. So it's. I think that's the cleanest. Now, that's a much more elaborate. I know you asked for daily practices.
We can go into that, But I wonder if you have any response to that. That initial answer.
[00:19:08] Speaker A: No, I completely agree with everything that you said. And what I was thinking about while you were talking was because I told you I'm into this holistic stuff. Like, what are some.
I'm not gonna say daily practices, but, like, do you teach breathing exercises or things like that? Like, if they're feeling overwhelmed in a moment, like, what are some things that they can do to calm down their nervous system?
[00:19:34] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
The. The best techniques, I would say, do come from doing a certain level of personal development work and better understanding the different parts of our own psyche. And that's, you know, the purest way. If you could say anything else besides that is still worth doing, it's more of a coping mechanism.
And that's okay. It's okay because not every moment can we be ready to go into some deep process. Right. And not every person is ready or resourced to. To do, you know, deeper work. So to. To. And I think it's also important to honor the phases of awakening, the phases of self understanding, and that we're all always. Every person is always in the perfect place in terms of their own personal process. And so with all of that in mind and heart, I would say simple things that do help. Ironically, this is maybe even laughable to some listeners, but it's called soft jaw softening our jaw. We are so underestimated the potency of having a tight jaw. And what percentage of the population suffers from tempo. Temporomandibular joint tensions and. And the byproducts of that which have to do with neck aches and headaches and fast mind anxiety, things that we all sort of complain about in. In the northern world, right, is to just realize, wow, right away, just see if I could take a breath out of my mouth and soften my jaw.
What that does is A little bit of mini magic. It's. First of all, it is where you could say, as creator designed us, it is where our jawbone is meant to be.
Our jaw is not necessarily too tight all the time.
If we are being chased by a tooth tiger or figuring out deep math problem, yes.
However, if not de facto setting ought a tiny little space. And I'm not talking about dumb and dumber hanging out the jaw wide down, but the tiniest, just like that.
[00:21:32] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:21:32] Speaker B: And, and what that does neurologically is it starts to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. It starts to send a message down to all the different neuromuscular joint interactions and neuromuscular contraction patterns and organs. And it sends the message down to everybody that hey, things aren't actually as bad as you think it is.
And, and did you notice that everywhere, on every place on the planet at every age, the sense of awe when humans see a cute baby, when they see something miraculous, they go, ah.
And the jaw just opens. And it's, you know, it's wild to just step back and realize that. But that's to me not, not by coincidence. And our bodies hold a lot of wisdom and that's one of them. And so simply that. And again, if you can do the exercise, which is simple, just softening the jaw and match it with a bit of intentionality of that, that exact message. Wait a second. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is.
What are the other options? What are more deep enriching options such as really looking at my relationship to guilt, my relationship to this person?
What are to the earlier question, what are the other elements of the communication that I could have to even verify if I really need to be this guilty. Does the other person even think that I'm such a bad person?
Maybe they actually still just love me and I need to hear that often, Like I said, that's the case, surprisingly, you know. Yeah.
[00:22:58] Speaker A: So we are coming to the end of this segment, but I do want to give you the opportunity to tell people how they can reach out to you and get some help.
[00:23:11] Speaker B: Excellent. I'm pretty easy to find here in the. I call it the digiverse, the World Wide Web. HansenHealing.com is my website. There on the screen you can see it and very easy. And I have a connect form on there and you can learn more about the work I've been doing and in the process of updating and upgrading all of that. But yeah, I'd be happy to connect with any listeners that are curious to learn more.
And thank you for letting me be on your show.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: All right. All right, guys. Up next, how to help seniors reignite motivation and meaning when they start losing interest in life. We'll be right back.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice and stories that matter to every generation.
And we're back. I'm Hilary Bailey, and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Television.
Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Senior Care Conversation. I'm your host, Hilary Bailey, and I am joined again by Dr. Jesse Hansen. In this segment, we are exploring what happens when motivation fades, when seniors begin to withdraw from hobbies, relationships and passions that once brought them joy.
So losing motivation in later life can lead to things like isolation, depression or even cognitive decline. But the good news is purpose and engagement can be reignited through small, meaningful actions and emotional connections.
So welcome back. Jessi, thank you for staying with me for two more segments. I'm excited.
So let's talk about why do so many people lose their drive later in life, even when before they've lived full and active lives?
[00:24:53] Speaker B: Well, this is a tough answer I hear coming through in my head, Hilary, but is that, you know, sadly, you know, we talked about a little bit earlier the dissolution of the family. And so much of what has become, let's call it the last 50 to 100 years from more much more global or at least North American culture is that so many folks going through life, maybe more separated from their family, though they may have felt like their life was on track and purposeful. But I had a great job and I was working this.
But then when all that goes away and we're left alone, it's very hard, it's very hard to not only to keep the motivation and the energy alive, and it's also sometimes I've seen where it's like the realization that, wow, everything I did, was that really what I wanted to do this lifetime, especially for those that get shuffled into more of the mainstream, you know, rigmarole. And coming out of that realizing, whoa, wait, was there something else I was meant to do? And obviously that brings in a heaviness and a sadness. And so I think that's at a very macro, zoomed out level. I think at a more micro level, there's again some overlay with the other few themes we've been playing with.
And that just much more time passed to continue to keep up all the energy of I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do that right there's something just meant or meant to be slowing down by that point.
So I think there's, yeah, there's a lot of variables and there's some other ones, but I want to give you a chance to respond to that first.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: So let's go ahead and jump into how family members and caregivers can help someone.
How can we push them along to maybe get back out there?
Some people are receptive to that and some people are not.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And again, working to connect the segments we're co creating here is that theme of what's called titration clinically where it's like you actually learn how to feel the feeling and let it become an emotion and then sort of back off a little bit or recenter, get yourself together, hold it all together, whatever you want to call it. There's actually, that's actually a series of brain muscles and considered an EOS or emotional operating system. It's an EOS upgrade to learn how to titrate. So the same way, if you notice from the first segment, talking about the grief factor and learning how to let it feel it, but then come back and invite them for a walk or a trip to the market the next day. There's that same element we're going to see here in this theme where it's to say, okay, it's okay, like we understand that you're not motivated. It's understandable for the reasons aforementioned and other reasons that I didn't name that people may have and yet, hey, and this was the exciting part of your question is to say that, you know, it's fascinating. I, I, I was introduced more personally to much more spiritual and ancient teachings originally for about a decade before I became Dr. Jesse and went through the neuroscientific training and found this science that helped to explain this ancient wisdom and these, these teachings about, you know, honoring the elderly and that, that so different. The, the modern person going through the aging process, entering those elder years is so different than what it was, what it used to be with, you know, called a simpler society but where elders were still honored and, and taken care of. And so how do we recreate that as best we can in this modern matrix is ironically there's, there's sort of a, a full circle of life happening. I think most people have a sense of this, but in case we need a reminder, as we age, we get younger in a weird way, we start to possibly need diapers. We need to have a lot of care and support much like we did when we were little and so the way I like to hold it and the elders that I've had the honor of holding space for, both professionally as a psychologist as well as personally as friends or family members or community members, is to really honor the little, little inner child in there. You know, and ironically, a lot of the clinical studies do show that simple things like listening to music and doing art, imagine that. But they help prevent dementia.
Why?
Because they keep the brain talking to itself. Left brain, right brain. It's called bihemispheric brain activity. It is the Jedi secret to longevity. And overall good mental and physical health is not being perfect or the perfect diet, though those things help really about learning how to operate our brain left to right, which means the balance of logic, ration analysis, figuring out with a balance of letting go, moving, doing art, doing music, being more sensitive, dare I say it, and by getting people to engage back in that, they get that part of their brain working again. And so early onset dementia can be reversed. Even existing dementia can be lessened, sometimes even reversed. It's pretty magical to see.
[00:30:13] Speaker A: Absolutely.
I wanted to, I'm going to kind of go off subject here, but I have been thinking about this since you were talking about grief earlier. And I was like, I just want to know. I need to know more about this.
So you were talking about how grief presents. It can present in a neuromuscular manner. What are.
I would like to dig kind of deeper into that because when I think about that, I think about pain, obviously physical pain, things like that.
But how else can that present itself? So we as caregivers and family members can maybe if, you know, say if my dad passes away and my stepmom, I need to be with her.
How does grief present itself? What are different ways that we can look for.
Sorry, that was a long way to ask a really short question, but you know what I mean.
[00:31:03] Speaker B: It's all right. We got there. We got there. Yeah, just. Yeah, it's a great question. It's a. It's a mindful. It's a thoughtful question because it's an empowering answer, which is to be able to better. I would just call it tracking. How can I track the symptoms of grief?
And obviously some of the more easy ones are language and you know, what they're saying.
But even if that's not happening, or in conjunction to that, I would say the number one, what we call in, in the nerdy clinical language, a somatic indicator, something in the body, the soma, that is indicating a certain belief structure or feeling presence, feeling almost trying to Become an emotion.
Pardon is that basically I call it, you know, when I'm working with someone to help them heal this phenomenon, I call it stop the plop.
Hashtag stoptheplop. And it simply means, you know, this falling forward and sort of the belly distends and the heart drops and the shoulders round.
And again, if I stay like this for too long, guess what? This becomes my new posture. And I'm the little old man who couldn't, you know, whereas learning how to keep those core muscles engaged and keep the spine elongated even with age. Some of my best teachers, I was so blessed in my early 20s to meet these amazing elders in their early 70s who moved like they were my age, like 25. They could do cartwheels, they could move. And their whole approach was. And this. Or if listeners have ever heard of a place called Esalen, it's an amazing school of healing and conscious expansion in, of course, California.
Fair judgment. Anyways, saying that it's an amazing school and these guys were part of that movement from this is now 60 years ago or something. But it was like, we don't grow old, we grow inactive. That's what happens. And. And, you know, learning how to, to die gracefully. Learning how to age gracefully involves. They didn't use weights, they did all these. It's called calisthenics and kinesiology. And there's science behind it, of course.
But it was beautiful to witness that. And I think as a young Jesse, 23 years old, it touched me so much in the sense of, wow, like, I'm going to listen to these guys because when I'm that age, I want to. I want to have that liberty, I want to have that freedom. Right.
So I've off tracked us a bit from script as well from the topic, but it's all relevant in the sense that that's one way to track it is this sort of plopping and heaviness.
And again, it's. Especially after it's been ingrained for so many years, people cannot easily just make this adjustment. It is a process and it's about bringing awareness to that. And oftentimes, like a silly little game, Hillary, that I've played before with both clients and in my life of like, you know, hey, we have this conversation neutral, like when no one's upset and we talk about, hey, I notice when you sit like this is usually when you start complaining about.
Could I just tell you a funny word? Like platypus makes no sense, but it's meant to throw you off a little bit. And it's my way of saying, like, hey, I'm not here to control you. I'm not here to judge you.
I'm just giving you a reminder, almost like a mirror, that that's happening right now. And often the person, maybe they can't get fully out of it, but they can work a little bit to. To lift themselves. And then that's the perfect timing to insert. And let's do this now. Like, let's go to do some art. Let's go to take the walk. Let's see what we can do to sort of shift that. That guilt, grief, or even, you know, your lack of motivation is almost the tertiary rippling symptom of the grief.
Now. There's no motivation, but the motivation comes back as the guilt and grief are more properly processed and supported. And another last key thing on this, as I hearsay, properly supported, is that it's a reminder that while there are elements of personal development we can acquire on our own, meditating in a cave on the top of a mountain or such like that, that most of what we need, and especially with guilt and grief, we do need it to be relational. We none of us can really fully do it on our own. There. There's something about that feeling of someone there to lovingly lift us up.
And that's again, where you get into faith as well, right? If you can open your heart and mind to that, it's like, what's lifting us all up? Like, let's connect to that. Let me be the reminder of that source energy that can. You're still part of this. You still got your body. You're still alive. Let's go. Let's. Let's get to the park. Let's, you know, feel that motivation to care again.
[00:35:50] Speaker A: I love that. And guys, if you're watching what he said about you do not grow older, you grow inactive. That is so true. Keep moving, keep doing, keep being involved. That will keep you young not only at heart, but in your body as well.
So coming up next, how to face the unknowns of aging with peace instead of fear. We're going to talk about releasing anxiety and embracing acceptance.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice, and stories that matter to every generation.
And we're back. I'm Hilary Bailey, and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Television.
Don't miss a second of this show or any of your NOW Media TV favorites. Streaming live and on demand whenever and wherever you want. Grab the free Now Media TV app on Roku or iOS and enjoy instant access to our lineup of bilingual programs in both English and Spanish. If you prefer podcasts, you can listen to the Senior care conversation anytime on the Now Media TV website at www.nowmedia.tv.
covering wellness, caregiving and quality of life. Now Media TV is available 24. 7, bringing you insights that truly matter.
All right, guys, welcome back. Again, if you are still with us, and we hope you are. As we close today's episode, we're addressing one of the hardest emotions in aging, which is anxiety about the unknown. From health concerns to life changes, the fear of what's next can still peace of mind every day. But Dr. Hansen helps people shift from worry to acceptance, finding calm even in the uncertainty.
So we are gonna again jump right into this because we only have a teeny tiny 12 minutes.
So let's talk about why the fear of the unknown causes so much stress for seniors and caregivers alike.
[00:37:50] Speaker B: Yeah. And I would say pretty much every human.
[00:37:53] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely.
[00:37:55] Speaker B: Until, until we do a certain process and we'll dive into that. But yes, let's name call the spade the spade that it's. And it simply becomes louder as we get older. And yet again, a little piece of ancient wisdom that I learned from a Buddhist monk once was to say even on how did it go? Let me find it real quick. It says yeah, on any day of our life we will live, but on the day of our death, even a toothpick kill us.
And, and how I interpreted that, how I've held that and carried that, is that live your life. And again you. We've mentioned faith a few times here. This is another great opportunity and I think that's one of the biggest healing agents for when people come to me or whatever, however the interaction happens that I learned about this is to really. And again, it's not about converting religiosity. That may be the case for some people that have that affirmation.
However, faith to me is simply about believing in that somehow we got here, somehow there is a creator, somehow there's this life force energy that gives us life. Even even as advanced as science is right now. It can explain down to the micro molecular neutrons and protons as to how we exist and the space between them and yet still can't really say how or why we exist. Right.
And so to me that that is a beautiful piece is to realize diving into that and understanding that or, or working to embody that is a great salve for that fear of the unknown.
And, and as I said a second ago, it does get Louder as we get older. And yet the toothpick metaphor reminds us that, you know, even right now, my. My. My mother is. Is almost 82. And I practice that, you know, sort of mantra or affirmation with myself every day to just continue to, like, bless her, to have as much fun as possible and just love it up and embrace that, yes, someday that. That she will die. And I have to face that. And yet, you know, because of my personal work and because of some of my belief structures, it's not an awful, scary thing. It's something that I get to embrace and something that I get to hopefully be. Be with her through it. And I will be in some way, no matter what, however, hopefully closely.
So it's a powerful one. And this death and dying and the anxiety of the unknown.
Again, I've hosted people from all age. Not quite under 10, but young adolescents all the way into people in their 70s and 80s through these experiences to face the unknown. And it's so beautiful to witness what often in the therapeutic work can be called a small death. And it's a place where helping people, whether it's through breathwork or meditation or therapy or a little bit of all of it, however we get there, there's many roads to Rome. But to get to this place where just like, hey, it's okay to let go. It's okay to have embraced all of this and enjoy it. And ironically, the more we learn to embrace the unknown and the death, the more we can actually enjoy our life.
[00:41:02] Speaker A: I think, you know, staying in fear keeps us from seeing what's going on around us and takes us out of the present or out of the present where all the good things are happening, you know, because we're. If I feel like if we're living in fear, we're not living in today. We're living in yesterday or tomorrow, one of the two. We're not where our feet are at all.
So how can people learn to focus on what they can control and what they can let go of?
[00:41:33] Speaker B: I have a belief structure, Hilary, that we're actually not really in control of much.
We like to think we are, like to pretend that we are. We like to try to create it that we are.
So I'd like to replace the word in this conversation for from control to influence. Okay, what are the things I can influence and what are the things that I cannot influence as much as I wish I could? Right.
And I think when we take that word shift away, first of all, it matches more with the quantum reality and the understanding of ever Constant change and that none of us really can control anything.
And at a more simplified level, it starts to realize, wow, yeah. But you know what? Maybe not being control isn't such a bad thing.
Maybe actually with faith that can feel differently than. And then with the idea of being able to influence, then all of a sudden it start to look at, yeah, well, what is really, what can I influence? Well, I can talk to this person, but I can't talk to that person for whatever reason. Then I go with what I can influence. Right.
And things that I cannot, then if it's not easy for me to let go of that, or I'm sort of looping, I call it looping when the same thought forms are coming back. Oh, but if I could just. Or if that person would just.
It's like, all right, well, then I need to slow down, soften the jaw, breathe a bit deeper, and really ask some hard questions to myself. Why is that not okay?
Why can I not accept that?
And so I think acceptance, faith, a soft jaw, that shift from control to influence, those are four simple elements that people could try on. And I'm not saying it's going to be easy to just all of a sudden switch from a controlling mindset to a acceptance mindset. However, in that process, and that's why I said in the beginning, is that all humans have this fear of the unknown until they go through all process, often referred to as either a hero's journey, a small death. There's probably other ways in other languages, walking the red road.
We don't know that have the same teaching that comes from our. All of our ancestors that would say, yeah, and again, think of it. Before we had the digivores, before we had everything at our fingertips, even a couple, three, four or five generations ago, people were living in a lot more unknown and it was more accepted. There's something to this current.
There's beauty and help to all the technology that's advancing. And there's also some curses that come with it. And I think the need to know or the illusion that we can control is one of those curses that we're all fighting against right now and maybe not even realizing we're stuck under.
[00:44:16] Speaker A: So, I know. I mean, this is kind of personal for me. You know, I can sometimes get what I like to call a spinning mind where, you know, I start thinking about all the what ifs and what if this happens? What if that happens? And one of my best friends, she gave me, she said, when you start to feel anxious, go through your senses. What can you see, what can you taste, what can you feel, you know, what can you smell, what can you touch?
And what are your thoughts on that? That really seems to help me a lot. Is that something that you would recommend people do if they're. If their mind is spinning?
[00:44:49] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. That the techniques you're describing from a clinical language we call either grounding or orientation skills. And so it's by simply recognizing looping, like a consistent thought form, usually a worry, usually fear is the driving emotion that's creating the loop. And so if I can track that, I call again, the shepherd. I mentioned that in the earlier segment, the shepherd part of my awareness can sort of track. Oh, yeah, here it is, that same fear story going soften the jaw. And what Hillary is just describing there is orienting, noticing the sensation of the couch I'm sitting on. And what we're doing there is. We're taking our.
You call it energy consciousness, you can call it electromagnetic frequencies, you can call it cerebral spinal fluid, whatever name you like. But to realize we have places that our attention goes, and where our attention goes, energy flows.
And so if our attention is, like you said, if we're in fear, we're definitely not where our feet are. We are where our mind is and usually sort of in the past and future at the same time.
And so by just feeling things in the present moment through our body, we start to bring some of that attention out of the loop and hope, you know, hopefully, again, assuming we're in a beautiful and safe environment, then it starts to feel safer. It feels like, oh, yeah, wait, everything's okay. Like, I'm going to get a snack.
An apple would feel good, you know, and you sort of. And it is like, I also call this part of the brain the pit bull, and I say, give the dog a bone. So when you do the orienting or the grounding techniques, you're giving the dog a bone. You're being like, okay, like, chew on this for a little while. I'm going to become present again and remind myself, you know, what, what I can influence, you know, what can I do about whatever this fear story is, okay? And if it's truly nothing, which very few things in our life are truly nothing that I can do. But if that's truly the case, let's give the fear story a little credit for a second, then. Then the answer is to, to. To work on the small death technique or the, the dissolve technique, which is to say it's, you know, to learn to just say, like, okay, well, that's what really what death is. It's the letting go of everything that we are attached to. Right. And that is the wisdom. As I know we're getting close to the end of the segment, that's the last thing I would like to say is that that to me is the wisdom in all of this. And why this, this station that you've created is so important is because we, I hope and I wish for that we bring back that, that ancient teaching of honoring the elders and realizing that even if we need to get them to color more and be a little bit more infantile, to honor the full circle of life therein, there's so much wisdom in how they show up and so much wisdom and what we can learn from sitting with them, especially if we ourselves are present instead of guilty or, you know, holding all these stories going and just listen to them, you know.
So I think that's a beautiful way to kind of encapsulate everything we've said.
[00:47:48] Speaker A: And yes, absolutely, this has been amazing. Thank you so much for being on this show today. I have learned so much and I. Guys, I hope you out there in the audience have learned as much as I have. So let's talk again about where people can follow and connect with you.
[00:48:05] Speaker B: Yeah. HansonHealing.com and I'm also media. I'm going to be opening up my own show coming in about a month to six weeks.
And it's going to be all about the power and potency of authenticity, vulnerability in leadership and in life in general.
So I'm excited to bring that and join the NOW Media team. And I thank you again, Hitler beyond, to your show. And we'll be connected, I'm sure.
[00:48:35] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I will be watching.
So again, Dr. Hanson, thank you for sharing your expertise and compassion with us today. You've helped remind us that aging doesn't have to mean fear. It can mean growth, wisdom and deeper connection to our viewers. Remember, life's transitions can feel uncertain, but peace begins where acceptance and self kindness meet. Whether you're caring for someone or walking your own path through change, healing is always possible. I'm Hilary Bailey, and this has been the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media tv. Until next time, take care of yourself and those you love.
